After lots and lots of justice dispensing and pure, 100% heroism, I managed to rescue 6 out of the total of 8 orphans, but the major still wasn’t satisfied. I also made a unicorn crap himself, helped a Leprechaun escape from the Leprechaun mafia, helped a guy build a high class village for the rich and wealthy, brought some stone and dirt for food for a really, really poor village, reconciled a smelly farmer and his wife, killed some demons, exorcised a village full of ghosts, killed a bunch of orques and all kinds of truly, truly heroic stuff.

More DeathSpank Art

A truly heroic man, that DeathSpank.

Since the major would do nothing, I decided to try and go find the other two orphans, at the castle of lord von Prong, the big boss behind the artifact and orphan theft. As luck would have it, they were looking for the remaining six orphans so, since I already had them, they decided to lower the drawbridge and let me in. I killed a bunch of orques in there, saved the last two orphans and ran into a locked gate.

I decided to go and return all of the orphans to the major, who organized a huge press conference, got some major publicity for his election and, in the end, instead of giving me the promised 100 000$, game me an I.O.U., stupid major. I went to talk to the old retarded grandpa to ask how to open the locked gate and, more importantly, how to defeat lord von Prong. He said that I need a sword, the Pronginator 3000 or something, and he will make it for me, if I get him the ingredients. He needs some 6×6 plain pelt, a lock of von Prong’s hair and some demon ore.

First I went and got the ore from the Demon Mines, that was easy enough. Then I went to look for the pelt salesman on the road east of town. He wasn’t on his usual spot, but I did find some dragon poo there, and more of it down the road. I followed the trail of poo to an old orc camp, where I found and defeated the dragon. Turns out, the dragon ate the salesman, so he climbed out of him now. I bought the plain 6×6 piece of pelt, and all that was left was the lock of hair. I remembered there’s a wig that von Prong wore in his museum so I went to try and take it, but the guards wouldn’t let me touch it. I asked them when they are leaving and they said at pi’o’clock, when it’s lunch time. I spoke to the guy next to the clock outside, but he wouldn’t ring the bell, since it wasn’t pi’o’clock yet. He also said that there’s a song that the lord usually sings which always brakes the clock, so I went back to the museum and played the song on the record player there. The clock shattered and the orque outside asked me what time it is. I said it was pi’o’clock, so he rang the bell and the guards went for lunch.

I took the hair and brought all of the stuff to the retarded grandpa. He gave me the sword, so I went back to the castle, where I promptly kicked von Prong’s ass. The mysterious, yet strangely attractive red-haired woman appeared again and thanked me for killing von Prong. However, she also said my mission is not over and revealed that von Prong was wearing the same type of thong DeathSpank was wearing. The difference is, my thong gave me the power to be the dispenser of justice and a hero to the downtrodden, while his just corrupted him. Anyways, there are more people in the world with the same thongs, so I have to deal with them to.

That, however, is a story for another time, since the narrator is really tired now.


A Poster for DeathSpank 2 - Thongs of Virtue

A Poster for DeathSpank 2 – Thongs of Virtue

Anyways, see you guys in the next episode…

It’s time to dispense justice!

After Shank, it was time to tackle this gem. Now, before you say anything, the game is simple, somewhat dull even. What saves it is the awesome humor. Without humor, I would play it for an hour and probably leave it. With it, I will probably complete it soonish.

DeathSpank Art

DeathSpank, a true Hero!

Anyways, our hero, DeathSpank, was looking for a powerful artifact, called “The Artifact”. He was lead to it’s location by a young boy, but they got ambushed and the boy got killed. He managed to finds the hut of the witch who allegedly holds the artifact, but she said it is stored in the nearby Demon Cave and I have to get a few items before going there.

Long story short, I helped a lazy fisherman, saved a little girl’s lemonade, err, I mean potion stand, killed a bunch of little monster thingies, destroyed a huge slime, stole cherries from a farmer to color some white horns red and give them to the witch, kicked the crap out of some demons, literally and eventually entered the Demon Cave. I got The Artifact, in spite of warnings from a guardian monk and went to give it to a mysterious red haired girl that asked me to get it (the motivation).

Before I managed to do that, I was ambushed by Orque and two of his orque bullies, got all of my stuff and the artifact stolen and left on the road. The red haired girl found me, told me where the nearest town was and said I should help the town with an orphan issue. I went there, got a new sword from an old retarded grandpa in exchange for an extra spicy taco, kicked the orque bullies’ asses, and got my gear back, then I saved two of the orphans, gave an escort to a merchant, killed Orque, cleared a monastery inhabited by very loud monks, hunted some Blinks, killed swamp donkeys in the swamp, explored two caves, killed some pipsqueeks and bigger pips, found another Demon Cave and found another girl in there.

The demon guarding her actually wanted me to kill him so he could be free of her, and soon, I found out why. She wouldn’t get in the bag so I could save her. She said I have to give her candy first before she will be getting in any bags, so I had to go buy candy at the town store. I was ambushed by orques on the way there. I gave her the candy and then she wanted a cell phone, so I had to go buy a cell phone at the town store. I was ambushed by stronger orques on the way there. Then she wanted a pony so I had to go buy a pony at the town store. I was ambushed by bigger orques on the way there. After all this, she said she wanted a daddy. I would have been touched by this, but by that time, I really, really hated her. Even though DeathSpank is prohibited by law to have children, he decided to be her daddy for a day and finally got her into the bag. I went back to town and left the game.

You can probably expect an update tomorrow.

“The evil of devils cannot compare to the evil of men because men are jerks.”

– Some Jerk