After lots and lots of justice dispensing and pure, 100% heroism, I managed to rescue 6 out of the total of 8 orphans, but the major still wasn’t satisfied. I also made a unicorn crap himself, helped a Leprechaun escape from the Leprechaun mafia, helped a guy build a high class village for the rich and wealthy, brought some stone and dirt for food for a really, really poor village, reconciled a smelly farmer and his wife, killed some demons, exorcised a village full of ghosts, killed a bunch of orques and all kinds of truly, truly heroic stuff.
Since the major would do nothing, I decided to try and go find the other two orphans, at the castle of lord von Prong, the big boss behind the artifact and orphan theft. As luck would have it, they were looking for the remaining six orphans so, since I already had them, they decided to lower the drawbridge and let me in. I killed a bunch of orques in there, saved the last two orphans and ran into a locked gate.
I decided to go and return all of the orphans to the major, who organized a huge press conference, got some major publicity for his election and, in the end, instead of giving me the promised 100 000$, game me an I.O.U., stupid major. I went to talk to the old retarded grandpa to ask how to open the locked gate and, more importantly, how to defeat lord von Prong. He said that I need a sword, the Pronginator 3000 or something, and he will make it for me, if I get him the ingredients. He needs some 6×6 plain pelt, a lock of von Prong’s hair and some demon ore.
First I went and got the ore from the Demon Mines, that was easy enough. Then I went to look for the pelt salesman on the road east of town. He wasn’t on his usual spot, but I did find some dragon poo there, and more of it down the road. I followed the trail of poo to an old orc camp, where I found and defeated the dragon. Turns out, the dragon ate the salesman, so he climbed out of him now. I bought the plain 6×6 piece of pelt, and all that was left was the lock of hair. I remembered there’s a wig that von Prong wore in his museum so I went to try and take it, but the guards wouldn’t let me touch it. I asked them when they are leaving and they said at pi’o’clock, when it’s lunch time. I spoke to the guy next to the clock outside, but he wouldn’t ring the bell, since it wasn’t pi’o’clock yet. He also said that there’s a song that the lord usually sings which always brakes the clock, so I went back to the museum and played the song on the record player there. The clock shattered and the orque outside asked me what time it is. I said it was pi’o’clock, so he rang the bell and the guards went for lunch.
I took the hair and brought all of the stuff to the retarded grandpa. He gave me the sword, so I went back to the castle, where I promptly kicked von Prong’s ass. The mysterious, yet strangely attractive red-haired woman appeared again and thanked me for killing von Prong. However, she also said my mission is not over and revealed that von Prong was wearing the same type of thong DeathSpank was wearing. The difference is, my thong gave me the power to be the dispenser of justice and a hero to the downtrodden, while his just corrupted him. Anyways, there are more people in the world with the same thongs, so I have to deal with them to.
That, however, is a story for another time, since the narrator is really tired now.
Anyways, see you guys in the next episode…